Eternal Decisions
by CrystalStarGuardian
Summary: Sometimes, we don't realize the decisions we make are the wrong ones, until we're reflecting on them. StK DH slash :


If you know my works, you should be aware that I usually only write slash. And this story is no exception ^_^ Slash abounds!! It's mentioned, anyway ^_^ Angst abounds, too ^_^  
  
Disclaimer: Rowling owns the HP characters, and Azkaban; Klee owns Kaleb; and I own Star and her depressing thoughts ^_~  
  
  
Azkaban..   
  
The cell was dark, and damp. The depressing atmosphere did nothing for my mood, which I guess was the point. After all, no one was happy in this place. How could they be? With Dementors sucking the life out of them little by little. Sometimes I can hear the screams of the people losing their minds; like some kind of twisted song. Most people go insane within these walls. And me? I'm no different. I can already feel my sane mind slipping, and every day the darkness gets that much closer.  
  
Of course, it's my own fault that I'm in here. I was the one who followed Voldemort; battling on the wrong side. No one can defeat the godly Harry Potter, the fucking Boy-Who-Lived.   
  
Do I sound bitter? I'm really not. After all, I was told many times how wonderful and powerful Potter was. I went to school with him, so I had already known the simple fact. I have to admit that Potter had always had something special about him from day one. Anyone could notice that, even the Slytherins. That was why we hated him so much; because he was so damn special and good. We wanted the Dark Lord to win, as our parents had taught us. Potter was the one standing in our Master's way on the trip to glory and power.  
  
Of course, not all Slytherins were against Harry. Oh no. Draco Malfoy believed that the boy would succeed. And why shouldn't he? He loved Potter, and had even joined the other side so that the two of them could be together. Of course Lucius was less then pleased, and had threatened Draco on a daily basis, insisting that he return to Voldemort. But Draco always refused, not that I blame him. Draco had told me many times how much Potter had come to mean to him, which I admit had surprised me since he had truly hated the boy at first. But feelings, like other things, all have a tendency to change over time.   
  
I suppose I could relate to how Draco felt, because I too had fallen for one of the golden Gryffindors at one point. Kaleb Okun, one of Potter's friends, had become my love interest. Oh, sorry. Did I say 'love'? I don't know if I ever truly loved her. She told me how much she cared for me, the night that I informed her of my decision to join Voldemort's army. But by then it was too late; my choice had been made. I can still remember how she cried, begging me not to go. But I ignored her plea, and left with the sound of her sobs behind me.  
  
It was hard leaving Draco behind, him being my best friend and all. However, we both knew what had to take place. He needed to stay with the one that owned his heart, and I needed to go where it was necessary. At the time I think I envied him. Draco had all he wanted, and I had nothing to call my own; nothing to be proud of.  
  
I won't lie to you, the war was less then pleasant. Getting the Dark Mark is what hurt the most, believe it or not. The scent of burning flesh; the sting of the brand; I think I may have even passed out. My father told me later that it was normal. Most, if not all Death Eaters passed out while getting the mark. I can't even begin to describe the pain.   
  
At first, Voldemort, my father, and Lucius had tried repeatedly to get me to tell them where Draco could be. They very much wanted him on our side. But I didn't know, and even if I did I wouldn't have told them. Draco had made his decision, and although I didn't understand it, I trusted his judgment.  
  
I had seen the boy a few times during the war, most of the sightings were accidental. We would trade information about how we ourselves were doing, making sure that no one saw or heard us. He never told me about Potter and his army, and I never told him about Voldemort and his. It was a silent agreement we had made, so that neither of us could be used against the other. Draco and I were best friends, after all. I loved him, as I always had. I just wanted him to be happy.  
  
I have killed many wizards and muggles alike; I've watched as their limp bodies fell to the ground as I muttered the words, "Avada Kedavra!" I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed it. That curse is not a pretty one, although it's quick. And although I was never injured too badly during my life as a murderer, I was never safe. Even with my fellow Death Eaters. My body has been used for their pleasure, without my consent. I still feel so dirty from my forced encounters,especially the ones with my former Slytherins. It was them that I had trusted the most, and yet they wasted no time in raping me. I think that Pansy took some sadistic pleasure in me being forcefully taken, because she had always hated me from our school days.   
  
Sometimes I still wake up screaming from these memories, old pain ripping through my already weak body. The Dementors like when this happens, the dark beasts standing at the entrance to my cell. They'll be giving me the kiss soon, and in truth I cannot wait. At least then my torment will be put to an end, for I can no longer take this. I want to forget my pain, and my past.  
  
I think about Draco a lot. I wonder if he has married Harry now that the war is over. Perhaps they've adopted children? Kaleb is always in my thoughts as well, and I can't help but wonder if I should have stayed with her. I think I would have liked feeling love.  
  
The temperature in my cell is lowering once again, meaning that a Dementor is approaching to claim more of my diminishing happiness. There's not much left, so they won't be satisfied with me alone. Azkaban is a very lonely place, and sometimes I long for the warmth of Kaleb's body and the sweet sound of her laughter. Of course, I have no one to blame but myself. After all, I must pay for the deeds I have done. Come on Dementor, take what you wish. I don't want to be alive anymore. Take me away, once and for all.  
  
~*Star Pellerin*~   
  
~*~  
  
Crystal: next - Harry's thoughts! ^_^ (Thank you tons, Klee-chan! ^_~) 


End file.
